Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Sounds like a bargain
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.