Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
a god among men
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…