“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.