@tropicalenvy: Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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@Reverend_Scott: DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
@I_Bl33d_Purple: If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.
@jwoodham: I can't make it tonight. There's a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
@BoogTweets: Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there? Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*