Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: