@teenpuke: do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify
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@aksorojas: I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
@ObscureGent: My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I'm tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
@T_Bonezzz_: I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
@bossy_bootz: Everyone's an atheist until they're making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail