@WheelTod: Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they'd be only 11.5 inches tall?
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@edgarrants: The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you 'randomly fall asleep' in the middle of a conversation.
@BradBroaddus: INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.
@brendohare: By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
@sploosk: The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground