@WheelTod: Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they'd be only 11.5 inches tall?
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@TheToddWilliams: [Orca Winfrey Show] ORCA: "You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp! AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
@david8hughes: [first day as tour guide in New York] Me: that's the Statue of Liberty Guy: what is she clutching Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
@DaddyNick: Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower. On 2. Go! Football parenting
@Thee1_4U: Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I'm over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.