Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
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I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Xylophonist Shredding It
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.