Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
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What number SPF blocks people?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Just as the prophecy foretold
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!