Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie