Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
my fav colour is also hitler
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Awwwww shit.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*lint rolls you awake*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess