Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*