Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
lmfao come on
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
the short answer to this question
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
How dude HOW?!
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone