Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
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If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one