Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
You Might Also Like
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
dictator is short for richard potato
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.