Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
*seductively eats two tums*
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.