do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever