How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”