*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
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Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I feel it
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
For those that worship cheese..