I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
how to exercise your calf muscles
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?