JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
You Might Also Like
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.