“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Ovenable?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s