Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
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“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I want what they have
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”