Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.