@5hael: Do you think it's weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
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@omgthatspunny: The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.
@MavenofHonor: Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
@ch000ch: me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot
@Jay_FrickinLynn: M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai- H: What? M: I saw you pecan! H: No, I wasn- M: You're macadamian me mad. H: You're nuts.