Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.