Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
God, I love Scotland
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”