@JermHimselfish: Do you think Lil' Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said "Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper"?
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@markleggett: A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.
@ItsAndyRyan: "Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out" "Correct English is 'you've run out of tea'. What else?" "You've walked out of wife"
@mean_spice: [at a child's birthday party] Lady: which one's yours? Me: uhh, that one L: that's my daughter M: *grabs the cake and runs*
@girlontapas: My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends. Him: Being a teenager is tough. Me: *sigh* I'm 40.