HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
You Might Also Like
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..