Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due