Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals