“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
(yawn)
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume