tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Breaking news:
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!