@ericsshadow: Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
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@NotthatAdamWest: The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.
@seanoconnz: THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here? ME: Please don't look at me, my shirt is off.
@dblackattack: It's nothing serious, we're not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
@SweetTweetsBRO: I love when I'm walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It's like she knew I wanted to race all along.