@ericsshadow: Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
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@TySmithdrums: I got hit by a car today, guys. Don't worry. I'm okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.
@splegge: Put a pill in wife's mouth while asleep "WTF you doing?" "for your headache." "I don't have one!" Just what I wanted to hear! *unzip flys
@batkaren: HER: I love Deadpool ME: I love Dead Pool HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too? ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?