@caperbc75: Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players' mouths has "rehydration specialist" listed on his LinkedIn profile?
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@GlennHowerton: Happy St. Paddy's Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I'm not allowed to go out on St. Paddy's Day anymore. It's too much.
@SexySpainNights: Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
@LeahsLounge: Her: Ok you hang up. Him: No, you hang up first. Her: No, you first. Him: No, you first. NSA: Both of you hang up.
@BobTheSuit: CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone's iPhone? NSA: "U2's New Album"