[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”