do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me