do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.