Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]