Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
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Me :
All Day At Night
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.