Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Miscakes
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels