Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
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Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024