Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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The glockness monster
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”