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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
thanksgiving in nutshell
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.