Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.