My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.