DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*