“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.