Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
nature’s most graceful animal
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.