Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
You Might Also Like
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly