@InternetHippo: "Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you've ever been in your life?" - video games
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@astutenewf: 12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn't Mary have a little lamb? Me: And you came with a no return policy
@astutenewf: Whenever I'm behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte
@RorynotRoy: Give a man a compliment & he'll be all, "Yeah, I've been working out." Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he'll be all, "I feel SO fat."
@GingerGander: A new study says vegetarians die younger than smokers, on average, so don't smoke your vegetables...