They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head